Hi there. We here at Um are totally sorry for our recent erratic posting. And we promise that, as soon as we can, we’ll return to regularly entertaining you with our wit and charm and whathaveyou. But for now, irregular doses of our brilliance will have to suffice.

And that brings us to this:

Good idea, right? Like, geography plays a ginormous role in defining some music scenes–and what better way to illustrate this than with a GIANT INTERACTIVE MAP? Trouble is that the folks who put this thing together decided to go for superlatives (best band, best solo artist, best up-and-comer) rather than attempt any kind of in-depth study. The result? A totally half-assed effort that misses big swathes (say LA Punk, Olympia Riot Grrl, Chicago Blues…and the motherfucking Butthole Surfers) of way important musical history.

Worse, everything on here is so effin’ predictable that it leaves the editorial staff here at Um a-wondering if the thing really serves any purpose at all.

We here at Um realize that doing a comprehensive version of this would have been a pretty hefty task. But we feel like it woulda been worth it; as is, this thing is…well, you know.

We here at Um are pleased to announce that we will, sum’bouts December (with luck), be relocating our offices to one of the, uh, more fire-y places in these United States. When we do, you can look forward to more in the way of folksy contractions and–if yr good–more stories like those that yr about to read.

Up first is the Austin American Statesman’s (all things considered) rather boring take on the firing of a local Fire Department employee who, according to the report, “told a co-worker on last year’s anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks that he would have wanted to rape a female passenger had he been on a plane used in the attacks.” Really? I mean: Really?

In more-historical rape faux pas news, the Austin Chronicle offers the readers of its blog a little piece about the political resurfacing of Claytie Williams who, as Chronicle contributor Richard Whittaker reminds us, once “compared rape to bad weather, saying ‘If it’s inevitable, just relax and enjoy it.’” How did this winner find his way back into the limelight? By offering to host (and initially receiving the okay for) a fundraiser for GOP presidential candidate John McCain.

Um. Oops?

Not recognizing a single band on this year’s schedule (except for, you know, Kid Congo Powers). This, dear readers is not a comment on Fort Reno’s ability to book bands. Rather, it’s a critique of our own ability to keep up with things in our former hometown.

Sigh…

Dear Readers. Loyal readers. Awesome readers.

Today I bring you a gift.

Enjoy.

We here at Um are still suffering through a heat wave. What does this mean for you, loyal readers?

A HISTORY LESSON!

So. Way back in the very early 1800s, Merriweather Lewis and William Clark found themselves charged with the duty of being the first representatives of the United States government to cross the continent that had only recently found itself subject to the so-defined concepts of, say, nationality. While preparing for the trip, Lewis borrowed a copy of Antoine Simon Le Page du Pratz‘ L’Histoire de la Louisiane–a history, for those of you who can’t guess at the French, of the lands included in the then-recent Louisiana Purchase (really, did you have to click? really?) written by a duder who happened to have lived there when Louis XV was still in charge of that territory. In those pages, he (and then-President and prompter of Lewis and Clark’s expedition, Thomas Jefferson, who also had a copy) found all kinds of awesome stuff about indigenous flora, fauna, and the organizations of people that predated European involvement.

All good stuff for relative continental n00bs who hadn’t really spent much time west of the Appalachian mountains, no?

Oh you just wait.

In his history, Du Pratz featured the story of a Yazoo indian named Moncacht-Ape. Spurred by what Du Pratz reported as a curiosity about the origins of native Americans, Monchact-Ape hauled his ass up the Missouri river and then continued west. All the way west, in fact, until he bumped into some folks living along the Columbia River close to the Pacific Ocean–and then eventually to the coast itself.

Does that route ring a bell maybe? Something like, DING, that’s the very route that Lewis and Clark ended up following. No? Yes?

Anyway, the U.S. expedition had a different goal–and that probably did more to inform their choice of path than did the wanderings (however intriguing) of a duder whose intellect they likely held little in the way of respect for. Still, the similarities here–and the fact that Du Pratz work found its way into the collections of both Jefferson and Lewis are pretty neat, no?

Well we think that they are.

Okay. So there’s like, totally, a smart, witty, awesome Um column to be written about Hugo Chavez’ flip-flop to end all flip-flops. And one day, maybe this week, our editorial staff will get to it.

But not today.

Nope. It’s too goddamn hot. And we don’t like to think when it’s too goddamn hot. So instead we’ll offer you this. It’s about a monkey. Who’s now chairman of an Indian business school. His name is Lord Hanuman.

Enjoy.

Here’s hoping that this bullshit ends soon so’s we can all get back to the business of serious journalism.

When our favorite baseball team won its first championship, we screamed.

We cried.

We framed the front pages of both major Boston dailies. And we still get goosebumps when we look up at the walls of our office.

Still, even the unadulterated joy echoed and evoked by those things can’t approach the all-around amazingness of this. I mean, check out the photoshop work there exhibited: Someone cared for those images. Found the perfect deathly expressions from each person. Massaged the crop job into what would seem to be a fairly close approximation of the result of a messy decapitation.

Best part? The image wasn’t just an attention getter. According to the Guardian, the tabloid responsible for what you’ll see if you click above “demanded [Poland's coach] slaughter [the German team's trainer and captain] at the forthcoming Euro 2008 championships.”

Yup. Slaughter.

We here at Um would like to thank Super Express for making our Friday start off with a good chortle.

The editorial board here at Um was absotively positutely thrilled when we found out that the Clinton machine was maybe, probably, kind-of gonna shut the fuck up about making Billary president in 2008. Still, having had an enlightening phone consultation with one of our political experts (while watching the intolerable Harold Ickes do his prick-y best (scroll down) on Meet the Press), we were/are concerned with how this whole mess will wind down.

See. Here’s the thing: Going with the scenario suggested by our expert, McCain will likely win the 2008 election. And cause he’s, like, ancient–and folks are prolly gonna be way pissed when he goes and invades Iran–chances are that he’s gonna be a one-termer. What does all this spell? Billary. 2012. And prolly more of this, this, this, and–oh yeah–this.

Unless of course her exit from this campaign leaves such a bitter taste with Dems that when the pre-election bullshit starts in 2010, key players and the general public remember how truly sucky another Clinton campaign would be for the party. How’s this gonna happen? Though our politicos seem to be pretty good at getting themselves into all kinds of shit, it probably wouldn’t take something like this, this, or (ugh) this to undo Billary (though, for the record, our fingers are crossed).

Nope. Instead, we’d like to think that–in replacing political heft with total ineptitude, and then, as a final gross demonstration of her ugly nature,  refusing to accept what had, thanks to all that, been brewing for weeks–the campaign has provided folks with more than enough evidence against its future self.

But we’ll see…

‘Course if this happens, we’ll have to hope for something a bit…more dramatic.

National economies are pretty tough to control. Need proof? Check these fellers out: Despite the fact that they dictated nearly every aspect of commerce, they still managed (okay, with a little help from their friends) to run their country into the ground.

To be fair–you know, like objective and shit–our system isn’t all that much better: Like, sure, private citizens can sell whatever they’d like, set the price, sit back and watch the dollars flow in–but when stuff goes all wrong, there’s not much that the government can do about it. Still, sometimes they try. And then the duders who seem most interested in preserving the system like to get all worked up about what they no doubt see as unwanted encroachment.

Oh the woes of modern living.

Anyway.

We here at Um brought you the above short course in economics not to embarrass ourselves (and our knowledge of that subject) but to provide you all with a bit of context for the following: According to this piece from the Guardian, the U.S. will soon start demanding that travelers entering the country without visas “register online with US authorities at least three days before leaving to visit America.”

Really Michael Chertoff? You’re going to announce that the United States (whose economy may already be in the crapper) is going to make it harder for foreign nationals to bring their awesome Euros and engage in a real, viable version of economic stimulus to our shores? Really?

Well done!

Loyal Readers:

The editorial staff here at Um finds itself stymied.

Here’s the thing: For the past few months, we’ve been able to revel in the pressure of a busy semester; taking our time to post about only the best of what’s grabbed our attention. Now unburdened, we find ourselves missing the luxury of not having to issue daily blog posts. I mean, really: It’s not every day that a New Zealand hedgehog assault provides us with an opportunity to wax smartass. Or an airport security t-shirt stop gives us an excellent chance to both slam airport security and talk about Transformers. Or a feud over the remains of a former cadaver just begs to be made fun of.

Don’t worry, loyal readers, this is not some kind of farewell post. (Unless of course our glib whining chases you away.) In fact, you all should know that we subscribed to about 15 more RSS feeds today. GET PUMPED FOR GREAT COVERAGE of even more bullshit news.

But you might have to wait until tomorrow.